UNDERSTANDING PLUMBER’S BUTT

     When someone mentions “plumber’s butt” most people visualize some oversized, sweaty, hairy guy bent down on all fours with about 4 inches of his ass crack showing.  Or maybe some redneck with a huge beer belly, that has to buckle his belt well below that belly, thus giving us a 24-hour mooning.   These days, with the “sagging”, thongs and “tramp stamps”, plumber’s butt is no longer a cause for ridicule that it once was.
        I do not understand this generation’s need to show their ass.  I know I’m dating myself here, but seriously?  I remember laughing and pointing at some guy showing his ass when I was younger.  Having plumber’s butt opened the door for people to poke fun at that person and sometimes even stuff objects into their crack.  (Yes, I’m guilty of this!). It’s a perfect place to put your pen, pencil, ruler, scissors etc.  Whatever is long enough, so you don’t actually have to touch the person’s butt.  NEVER in my worst nightmare, would I have thought I could have plumber’s butt!
        Never say never!  Since moving to Green Acre Hell, I unfortunately, have plumber’s butt.  How does this happen?  It started slowly, as I worked outside all winter, with so many layers on I didn’t notice I was losing weight.  This spring, I noticed I had dropped two sizes in my jeans.  Cool, I’m getting in shape!  What is NOT cool, is even though my jeans fit, I get plumber’s butt.  Working outside in 80 or 90 degree heat, you sweat.  Your jeans start sagging from the additional water weight and before you know it your constantly tugging your pants up.
        Now, since I’m working out in the middle of the woods, I didn’t worry too much about flashing the coyotes or bobcat.  Seriously, who are they gonna tell?  The realization that I had some SERIOUS plumber’s butt going on, set in with the first bee sting just above my butt-crack.  Holy hell, that HURTS!  No more denial for me, I have become that person I used to make fun of….bummer.  The bee sting has since been followed by mosquito bites, ticks, and a variety of debris like twigs and leaves when I mow.  It has been really disturbing to me, the frequency of these events.
        Today, I thought I would be smart and think ahead.  Knowing I was going to be bent over taking apart a lawnmower, I had my mom spray my backside with Cutter’s to ward off the mosquitoes.  Cutter’s contains deet which is supposed to ward off all insects, much like the “Deep Woods Off”.  It DID ward off mosquitoes and flies.  Unfortunately, the bees seemed to love it.  So I spent the day, in 91 degree heat, literally dripping wet with sweat, tugging up my jeans, swatting bees away, taking apart the lawnmower in direct sunlight.  Know what else likes Cutter’s?  The sun!  This stuff is kind of greasy once it’s sprayed on, so it’s like rubbing on baby lotion and seems to direct the sun’s rays right to it.
        Around 2:00pm I started feeling nauseated, so I stopped and went into the house to cool off.  Going into the bathroom to wash some of the grime off, I took a good look at stupidity in the mirror.  My arms and neck were cooked!  Redheaded, fair-skinned people do NOT cover themselves with an oily substance and go out in the sun.  At my age, and having some serious sunburns through the years, you think I would have learned this by now!  My arms and neck don’t hurt and will eventually turn brown.  However, the 2-inch high, redneck tramp stamp, across my plumber’s butt BURNS LIKE FIRE!  This is the MOST ridiculous thing I have ever seen!  And no, I’m not taking pics of it, so don’t even ask.  The next time you see a man OR woman with plumber’s butt, please don’t criticise, empathize.  Because you just KNOW they’re headed for trouble!
        I sincerely apologize to all the people afflicted with plumber’s butt, I’ve made fun of over the years.  Not saying I won’t poke fun in the future. Because if I saw something like what I now have in public, no WAY would I not make fun…LOL.


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