Fat Attack

Since I’ve spent the day in bed recuperating I’m catching up on my writing.  Here’s another little incident that happened a week or so ago on one of those 60 degree days in January.

For two days we had 60+ degree days in the middle of January.  I couldn’t wait to get outside and get to work, without the additional weight of coveralls and coats.  Me and Puppy hop into the truck and head to the “iron graveyard” to see what other treasures we can unearth buried behind the barn.  Since the huge fans had already been moved, next up was an old stove with only the top half visible above ground.

I back the truck up to the stove, pull out the tow strap and hook it up.  Pulling the stove out of the ground took a few minutes, but finally it came up.  Having learned my lesson before at the recycling plant, I grab a long iron bar to pull the dirt and debris out of the stove. (Can’t have anything adding weight to the loads they buy!)  I open the oven door and shove the bar in and a damn snake slithers out.  I know it’s a warm day, but it’s WINTER don’t these creatures hibernate?  I’m not afraid of a lot of things, but snakes are a true phobia of mine.

For years, when a snake came on the TV I immediately changed the channel.  If I’m reading a magazine or book and there’s a picture of a snake I rip it out and throw it in the trash, looking around as I do it to make sure the snake hasn’t somehow sneaked off the printed page and is lying in wait for me elsewhere.  We’re talking SERIOUS phobia here.  Which makes it all the more amazing that soon after coming back to this place I actually picked a snake up (ok, by accident) and beat the thing to pieces against a tree.  I get goosebumps just thinking about touching it…ewwww!

Anyway, it was a long black snake that slithered out of the oven.  Without even thinking, I threw down the pipe and turned to run back to the truck.  Puppy, having saved me before, ran to the rescue and grabbed the snake up, shaking it with all her might.  I knew she killed it, when it stopped trying to escape and hung from Puppy’s mouth like a limp dishrag.  I didn’t care, I was done for the day.  Leaving Puppy to play with the damn dead snake, I drove back to the house.  Frustrated with allowing my phobia drive me back indoors, I vow to make a change.  God heard me and accepted the challenge.

I go back into my room and flip on the TV, I instantly notice one of my favorite stations is showing nothing but snake movies all day.  You can’t tell me this wasn’t His Plan!!  CRAP, now I have to keep my vow!  Knowing the term “Exposure Therapy” from a previous experience when a psychologist took me to the roof of a 5 story building to rid me of the heights phobia, I fervently hoped this time would turn out better.  The prior experience ended when I threw up over the side of the building embarrassing and humiliating both, me and the psychologist.  She never tried that again with me…lol.

This time I’m in the comfort of my own room and if it gets to be too much I’ll just turn off the damn TV.  What could go wrong? (God snickers!)  The first show was the Python movie with J-LO.  I only got uncomfortable during the scene where they blow up a wall and normal sized snakes are thrown all over their boat.  The rest of the movie was pretty hokey.  Next up was “Snakes on a Plane”, for obvious reasons, this was the first time I had ever seen it.  Only some of the snakes looked hokey, and the movie played on such urban legends as a snake coming in through a toilet bowl to bite.  This movie gave me the sweating palms and racing heart rate, but I managed to make it through the entire thing.  Enough “therapy” I’m ready for bed.

I put on my favorite jammie bottoms with the drawstring, fighting off the Fat Bastard cat who thinks ALL strings are HIS.  I get into bed and read for about an hour.  When my eyes start to droop, I turn off the lights and snuggle under the blanket, feeling proud of myself for trying to overcome my fears.  Around 2am nature calls…gotta love getting older.  Apparently, I had been fighting off snakes in my dreams because the covers were all twisted up and with no light on I had a helluva time getting out of the bed.

I found my slippers and stepped into them and turned to throw the blankets back onto the bed.  I’m half asleep, I didn’t turn on the light and the Fat Bastard exacts his revenge by jumping onto me, with claws extended to capture the drawstring on my PJ’s!  My subconscious still full of “snakes”, spews that word out of my mouth at an ear shattering decibel!  The Duo are now awake and have raced into my room flipping on the light, just as the Fat Bastard slides to the floor, taking my PJ bottoms with him and leaving claw marks from my belly button to my shins.  OH.  THE.  HUMANITY.

Now the entire household is wide awake!!  I’m busily filling the air with unprintable words, The Duo is screaming where’s the snake, and the cat has finally torn the drawstring from my PJ’s and is racing across the room with it.  I quit yelling, quickly pull up my PJ bottoms and try to explain to The Duo there is no snake.  Trying to calm them while glaring at the Fat Bastard thinking THIS time, I really will beat the tabby stripes off his furry ass!

I finally get everyone calmed down and back to bed, totally forgetting in all the excitement why I got up in the first place.  After turning off the overhead light and switching on the bedside lamp, I discover the Fat Bastard has left me a present.  My drawstring is laying on my pillow, grrrrr.  Now I ask you, “Who else do you know has this much drama without even leaving their room?”  I think I’m done with my self “therapy”, Homicidal Maniac sounds like ever so much more fun!


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